Understanding the message behind the behaviour

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.” - Ralph G. Nichols

The Hidden Message

It’s wonderful when we come to recognise that every behaviour that a child presents to us is actually a hidden message - a message for us to decode or a riddle to crack.

Sometimes it’s not easy to get to the bottom of what is hiding behind the behaviour. But it's certainly worth investigating. The rewards can be huge - for you, your child and the precious relationship you share.

I'd like to share with you my insights, together with some practical tools you can use.

Why it pays to be curious...

Sometimes it’s not easy to get to the bottom of what’s hidden behind the behaviour. It’s crucial to give this process a bit of time and thought because if we do manage to understand the root cause of the behaviour, then we do two things:

1. We are able to deepen our understanding and our interest in the child

This inner gesture of deepening our interest in the child is in itself a way to build a connection with him or her. And this effort or intention is tangible to the child. The child feels seen, and they feel the comfort of being seen and having their needs acknowledged. That will ultimately result in the child feeling safe and understood. The child is much less likely to act out or test the boundaries. They are much less likely to try and find proof that the parent loves them, in spite of their behaviour, which is one of the most common messages behind behaviours of young children - seeking proof of being loved unconditionally.

2. We begin to understand why it is happening

If we really try to engage with the message that’s behind the behaviour, we start building a picture of why it happens. We can deal directly with the root cause of the behaviour, rather than the symptoms of the behaviour. And so it’s actually unmasking the reasons why the child is acting out, which is really quite crucial for coming to resolutions.

Learning to read the signs

It does take practice and perseverance. A lot of the messages are obvious, but others can be very subtle. And sometimes it’s difficult for the parent to read even fairly obvious messages.

While a person the outside may see these messages as very clear and simple, for the parent who is engaged in a tricky interaction with the child they have a sense of urgency that arises. It comes from a need to resolve the issue that arises from the child’s behaviour in a timely manner. It’s an urge to make things right, or equalise things and bring them back to balance and harmony. And that’s a big pressure that we are putting on ourselves - or maybe society puts on us, or our partner. The trouble is that it makes it difficult for us to be still and present. It’s also a hurdle in the way of being able to observe these behaviours and really sink deep into the core of what’s happening.

Two exercises you can practise

There are two exercises I would like to share with you. They are designed to be as simple as possible, so that you can practice them effectively. What is especially significant about them is that they work with your body.

When we are emotionally triggered, our fight or flight mechanism is activated. And when we are in this mode, we honestly can't think straight! That part of the brain is switched off - it simply doesn't work. No matter what we may have learned about parenting techniques, we cannot access this information when we are feeling triggered.

Our priority has to be getting our body back into balance. Only then will our capacties to think and reason be available to us.

1. Mindful breathing

We've heard it said so many times: "Just breathe!"

And with good reason. Breathing mindfully and consciously helps to calm our nervous system. When we feel calm, we can listen, understand and think more clearly.

Whenever a child is defiant or behaves in an aggressive manner - shouting, refusing to do things, hitting, biting - try and focus on your breathing. These challenging kinds of behaviours will elicit a very physiological response in most people. Breathing consciously is a way to pause and gather ourselves before reacting.

THE SQUARE BREATH

One very helpful exercise is to imagine you are breathing your way around a square.

Each side of the square represents 6 breaths.

You start by breathing in... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... making your way across the top of the square.

When you reach the other side of the square, you keep the air in your tummy, and count in your heart 6 times... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... while making your way down to the bottom of the square.

Then you count another 6 as you release the air across the bottom of the square.

And then hold the breath for another 6 counts as you make your way back up the left side of the square.

You've now made it back to where you started, and you can go round again.

Do that a few times for every side of the square, breathing along one side, holding along, releasing, holding.

This creates a Nervous System Reset

Every time we practise this kind of mindful breathing, it actually resets our nervous system, reducing the physiological fight or flight response in our body. Over time, our bodies learn to become less relative to stressful situations.

In future, when we confront a behaviour that make us feel stressed, worried apprehensive - with every person but especially with our children - there’s a very high chance that we will manage to react in a much more calm and centred manner.

2. The body scan

The second exercise I'd like to share with you is an invitation to try and pause for a minute and observe your body - scanning your body for sensations.

You can move away physically from the situation, while still observing the child. Meanwhile, watch your body for sensations such as tingling, numbness, throbbing - any kind of sensation. And while you do that:

A) you are moving the focus from the response, to allowing yourself to contemplate what is arising within you, and

B) it gives you a picture or a sensation or a feeling that might hep you understand why you are being triggered.

Don't run away from the feelings!

It seems to be human nature to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We all do it. (In fact, there are whole industries that profit from helping us avoid our feelings as much as possible!)

So this exercise will probably feel will feel strange and unfamiliar. But it holds within it the key to a lot of really valuable information.

For this reason, I’d like to invite you to try and stay with that uncomfortable feeling for a little bit and observe what is happening in your body.

Stay curious

Try to stay curious like a scientist in lab who watches objectively what happens when one chemical interacts with another. That kind of objectivity and calmness, and removing yourself emotionally from the situation, will help you to not take personal offence.

Even if if nothing comes up, no image or no sensation, it’s still important to acknowledge that there’s an intention to stay still before responding - and that this stillness is a gift for the child and for yourself.

It’s a very precious and valuable time and it will bring forth many fruits if you can only stay still for a few seconds, or a few minutes, and observe what it is that triggers you.

Pause, feel, reason, respond

The non-reactive state will become a habit over time - a habit of feeling the unpleasantness without a reaction.

The reaction that then follows will come from a different place - it will be place of curiosity rather than a place of annoyance or anger. We can ask ourselves, "Why am I reacting like this?" with a kind and open heart, and be available to hear the answer.

Children feel and appreciate the pause!

The pause and response - the time that you’ve taken to sink in and just ‘be’ - will be felt by the child. It will give them a sense that you are present and in tune with them and with their needs.

In turn, it will result in a stronger bond with your child. And a chance to become closer and to connect in a deeper way.

Of course, it’s easier said that done and it’s a technique to master with time and perseverance. But it can become second nature when it’s practised regularly and it might turn to a loving mantel between you and the child, which will soften any strong reaction and slow down any impulsive or harsh words in their tracks.

And allow you to just ‘be’ with the child, despite the uncomfortable feeling that arises in you. And soon the uncomfortable feeling will dissolve and something beautiful might blossom from that moment.